Call Of Duty - Behaviour Handbook

Ever wanted to be a true COD player? Well, here's a step by step guide on how to become a stereotypical Call Of Duty player.

I) Learn your 'noobs.' Possibly one of the most important parts of being a Call Of Duty player, is to know all of your noobs off by heart. Make sure you pick people up on them all the time. Here's a list:

P90 Noob
Grenade Launcher Noob
Rocket Noob
Camper Noob
Marty Noob
Last Stand Noob

Here's a method to remember them. Ask yourself:

Is it a general game feature?

If the answer to that question is

Yes

Then feel free to insult the player for it.

(Eg: The P90 is a powerful gun, however it isn't a hack, it's a game feature, this gives you the right to bitch at people for using it)

II) If someone kills you, it's un-acceptable. For this reason, you are free to insult them. Use proper vocabulary such as "noob" and "u suk". It is also advisable to mention one's mother to up the insult and turn it into a full on flame war. Remember, it's Call Of Duty, which is a war game. The opponent has absolutely no right to kill you.

If your opponent is better than you, a higher level or has killed you more times, it is advisable to attack them verbally to create a rise amongst players.

III) If you are on the receiving end of flame, try replying with the simple phrase "cry moar." This will get the attacker so wound up, he will most probably relieve himself in his underwear, but carry on playing none the less.

Here's your target age:

Enjoy yourself on Call Of Duty. Don't get too worked up though, it's only a game :)

How to make a YouTube comment

Making a YouTube comment takes a surprising amount of skill. A lot of people think they can just go ahead and write whatever comes to mind first, but in fact you cannot.

It's not all bad though, because I've dedicated this post to help people be able to make a fully qualified YouTube comment.

Step 1: Find a target. By this, I don't mean "find a video," I mean "find the person you want to pick on." Normally, this is someone who has already submitted a reply to the same video.

How do I pick? - Well, this is fairly easy when you get the hang of it. Look at all of the comment and pick which random unsuspecting YouTube user you want to hurl an explosion of foul abuse towards.

Once you have picked, you can go to step 3.

Step 3: Find a reason to abuse. The reason can be anything, but here are a few suggestions:

Race, Nationality, Gender, Name. If all else fails, you could do what most pro YouTube flamers do, and just go with the whole "you cnt spell, ur grammor sux" approach. This involves emotionally 'bringing down' your target for having bad spelling or grammar. This is normally due to them being non native English speakers. It's always a good laugh to take the mickey out of foreigners, even though chances are: you can't speak their language. :)

This is the most important step. The topic will be the centre of your soul crushing experience, the stronger the topic, the more you can intentionally emotionally scar them.

Step 4: Start firing un-needed and abusive comments towards your target without a thought to people's feelings or the effect it could have on 3rd party viewers witnessing the petty squabble. Get right in and destroy your opponent with hurtful comments about their race or nationality.

That. Is there the fun really kicks in.

Enjoy spreading hatred amongst your fellow human beings :)

Double posting. Its a massive deal

There are millions of active forums on the internet. Most of which contain members who have a sheer hatred of "Double Posters." Just to explain briefly what double posters are.

When you create a new topic on a forum, whether it's to cast an opinion, post a tutorial or moan about something, other people have the option of replying in that same thread. A double post, is if someone replies twice in quick succession. Or, if someone posts twice without waiting for someone to post one in the middle.

The double poster is in red

Bob: Hello, this is the thread. Do you all agree?
Harry: Oh yes, I agree.
Larry: Me too
Larry: I totally agree

Yes, Larry just double posted. So what happens next?

Well, the punishment for double posting will vary from forum to forum. The punishment ranges from nothing to being banned, YES, being banned for posting two posts.

Ok, maybe over time, it might become apparent why some people might find this annoying, but it isn't - however, the crime of the century, and shouldn't become a massive deal.

Some extremely intelligent 2 year olds have come up with death as a solution.

But then again, the maturity in that picture never fails to amuse me.

So if you do get banned for double posting. Chances are you were victim of an extremely bored moderator, or a power hungry Admin who has to shift his weight a bit to show his "not scared of you" members. 

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if it means clicking the "post" button twice within 10 minutes. It isn't the biggest deal, but people do like to make it one.

Bottom line: grow up?

Windows Live Messenger: 2011

Well! We're finally back. Yeah, it's been a while since the last post (21st century PC yap!)

I felt the need to post about the new Windows Live Messenger.

The new version of the popular WLM client is out. Yeah, it's beautiful. It has a whole new look, it has multiple new features, and it's just over all: BRILLIANT.

Let me run you through a few of the new features.

1. You can no longer change your display name. This - if you ask me, is the best feature of them all! Completely remove the user's ability to change their display name! +1
I believe that Microsoft are in a rather... Exploratory phase. I think that the head of the WLM department wanted to find out what life would be like if everyone usied their first and last names as a display name. How exciting! :) To make a long story short, "[XGamerz] MarK - Playing: Call Of Duty 4" has been transformed into: "Mark Smith"

2. Take all the bloated crap that came as aditions in the last version, and throw them all into the client itself. This seems like a better solution to me. All of the unwanted stuff that the user doesn't want to see, has now been shoved infront of your face whether you like it or not. Take a look: (click the picture to see in full size)

It was a great idea doing this in my view!

3. Layout! This is superb! The layout is frankly beautiful. They've gone for the more "bloated" approach, and I really admire them for that. If it's good enough, people will wait, right? Well, now they will be waiting a good twenty minutes for the thing to load. +1 Microsoft.


Don't settle for this rubbish.

Use Windows Live Messenger 2009 or try something non-microsoft:

Pidgin
aMSN
eMeSeNe

21st century PC yap!

As life moves on, people become more and more intelligent. Intellect becomes much more vast and people become aware when they are doing something stupid or immature.

To re-assure myself, I considered an argument I'd overheard somewhere on the net.
This argument consisted of five people, all repeatedly calling each other "nabs." It carried on for a good healthy five minutes, before turning into. "noooooob." "YOU ARE JUST A STUPID NOOB LOL"

Now: For all people who don't know this. The word "noob" originated from "newbie."
Newbie is a word to describe someone who is new at a game/trade/job. However this word has now evolved into a global insult for anyone to use against anyone on the internet.

Noob is normally followed by "lol." Lol's direct definition is "laugh out loud." This means that the person who says it, is directly insinuating that they feel the need to express their laughter by broadcasting it to anyone nearby. Other laughing words consist of:

ROFL - Rolling on floor laughing | I highly expect that neither the sender not the recipient is actually acting out the abbreviation's definition.

LMAO - Laugh my ass off. | This one insinuates that the sender's anus has been brutally dislodged by the sheer hilarity of the situation. Again, hardly likely.

PMSL - Pissing my-self laughing | This one is generally putting forward the scenario of the sender loosening his/her bladder, thus allowing the liquid within to flow into his/her's underwear.

ROFLMAO - Roll on floor laughing my ass off | Generally submitting the idea of the sender rolling on the floor in stiches, whilst violently having his/her anal region removed by the laughter surrounding the situation as a whole.

The 21st century is such a delight.

5 Reasons to start a blog

Need some motivation in your life? Well here's 5 reasons to start a blog!

1. Boast. - People LOVE to boast on blogs. They boast about their life style, their possessions, their money, their luck etc... They post entry after entry about things they've bought, money they've made. What always makes me laugh, is that they think people care. They think their blog makes people jealous. But in fact, all it does it makes people realize how much of a douche-bag the blog owner is.

2. Babble on for years. - Because that is really what people want to read; pages and pages of boring, useless and meaningless crap. If you are going to write something, do the world a favor and have a point. If you insist on babbling on, at least make it interesting for the reader.

3. Moan. - Everyone loves a good old moan. A blog is the perfect place to moan at people who honestly couldn't give two drunken dwarfs about your problems. If you are going to moan, make sure you put a warning at the top of the page. This will decrease the reader suicide rate.

4. Use it 2 tlk like u r tlkin on a mob phne. - Make people's eyes glaze over with boredom trying to work out what the hell you're trying say. Mke sure u dnt mke it ezy. dnt giv the rdr a rson 2 stay.

5. Review products. - Preferably products no one has heard about and no one gives two turds about. Obscure Chinese works well:

Hello, today I'm going to review the: Fujujhakamoto MP3 player.

Enjoy your spark of motivation. :)

Xfactor today, mouthing contest tomorrow.

It makes me proud to be British. First of all you get the good weather. Lovely sunshine all year round. Next you have the pollution, the overcrowded aspect and the fact that everyone is going around stabbing each other. Then you have a show like Xfactor which truly demonstrates what Britain is all about. Get fat, "dance around singing all day" like an ADHD kid on crack, then go on Xfactor and spread your arrogant gob diarrhea all over the judges and the audience.

OH. Before you do that, you need to work out a name for your singing group/band.

What I find creative, is to take your name and glue it on the front of your friend's name. It shows how much brain power you have inherited and how much ingenuity you've established since you were a blob of flesh in your mother's womb.

When you've got all that sorted, and you've worked out a song that you haven't worked out because you don't know the words, you are all set to have the cockiness ripped out of you by Simon Cowell.

Walk on stage, mouth off like a little cow, get laughed at by everyone, insult the judges, sing like a donkey with a hot cast iron pole shoved up its rectum, and then as a nice finishing touch, punch your childhood friend in the face.

Well, it made me laugh anyway!!

Artists have had enough

For some strange reason, artists seem to be rather upset that people are downloading their music for free. Hence the reason that more and more free and legal music services are popping up all over the place, like a hemorrhoid infestation.

Spotify is a well known one. But they shove annoying, repetitive adverts in between every other song making it impossible to listen to your music library without going insane.

Deezer is also pretty good. Their site is massively bloated, it takes about 5 minutes to load, and then it lags like hell. Most people set out to listen to Lady Gaga, but end up creating a 20 CM hole in their monitor out of pure frustration.

Jiwa started off good, until it was made apparent that their license only covered France. Anyone outside of France, was greeted with a friendly "get lost" page.

And they wonder why people still download? Ah well.

Metal head? Rock fan?

Are you a metal head? Are you a fan of a good Rock song? Well thumbs up to the people who have turned these otherwise crappy songs, into audible, adequate, songs!

Had enough of people with very little talent getting paid billions by corporate hypes to sit in front of a microphone and sprout crap? Well support these artists!

Bad Romance, also known as bad song. Check out this rocky/metal cover. This version is done by the emo group: 30 seconds to mars

Poke Her Face? I wish someone would. Check out this metal cover! Check out this rock cover! (not brilliant quality)

Support the artists who make better versions than the originals!

Apple products are good, because they are Apple products.

Why do people like Apple products? Well, the answer is in the question. People like them so much because they are Apple products. Somewhere, at some point, someone decided that the definition of "good" was "Apple product." It seems to have stuck. What's the result?

A bunch of no-brainer numb-nutted prats piling into their local Apple shops demanding iPhones. - - - Why?

- Because they are iPhones!

- What makes them so special?

- ..... ...... Them being iPhones!

It seems like people are completely oblivious to the fact that there are thousands of other phones which do exactly the same - if not a better - job than the iPhone, but don't get any of the credit because they haven't got the "must have" frame of mind hindrance hanging onto them like a turd refusing to drop into the toilet bowl.

Then, the iPad makes it's grand entrance in the world of must-have. For the 2 people who don't know what the iPad is, it's literally an over-sized iPod Touch costing 800 EUR. Now everyone must have one of them!

- Result: Millions of people buying pointless over-sized iPod Touches, with a laughable battery life and limitations you wouldn't have on a laptop costing the same amount.

And the i* reign continues.

Join Facebook.

10 Reasons to join Facebook if you are one of the 20 people who don't have it.

- Keep in touch with friends who aren't really friends but need to be called friends because they're in your "friend list"

- Keep and eye on your not friends' status' to make sure you don't miss out on any valuable and essential information, like: "OWNED. I GOT 12 - 9 KILL RATIO ON COD4."

- Become obsessed with it and enjoy a physical and mental magnetic-like attraction to your Facebook page, not wanting to miss out on anything your not-so-friends are doing.

- Join mindless, time consuming, pathetic, pointless spazzy games like FarmVille which give you no revenue to justify the wasting of your life.

- Get unwanted and undeserved gossip from your not-so-friends which you can grin over all evening and reply with witty and unwanted comments.

- Enjoy painful conversations with 5 year old brats who think they know better than everyone else and believe they have the god given right to post/say/comment in whatever manor they choose.

- Post all of your details enabling all sorts of ominous characters to know exactly where you live, what you do and when you do it.

Prepare to waste your life. It's sure as hell worth it, because it's Facebook! Everyone has it, so why shouldn't you?

How to be French

Obtaining French'ness is something that you should never want to accomplish. It's something that you should never need, or have any desire to undertake. That said, it could be a bit of fun to try. Follow this step by step tutorial and try it out for yourself.

1. Fill in gaps of speech, with "euuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh." You must never be saying nothing! In between blocks of speech, always say euuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. this shows that you are speaking and also stops other people from barging into the conversation with an unwanted and totally unjustified comment.
2. Make sure - at all times - that your car's front bumper is within 1 meter of the car infront's rear. This will ensure that you won't loose any time and that you get the most out of your trip. By putting yourself, and the people in front in mortal danger, you will certainly gain a few seconds.
3. Enforce 3 hours for lunch. No matter whether you are at work, or an important meeting, you must stop whatever you're doing, to endure 3 hours of lunch break. Normally from 12 until 3. During this period, you must eat French baguette, and drink multiple glasses of wine to help you through the remainder of the day.
4. The customers are always wrong!! This is something to bear in mind during your time as a French person. If you work in a commercial environment, you must be as unhelpful and grumpy towards the customer as possible. It's probably best to forget about them as paying customers, think of them as annoying hindrances.
5. Overtaking - Overtaking is something that French people HAVE to do. It would be total blasphemy if they were tailing a British registered car without the means of overtaking. To ensure that you overtake properly, make sure that you're approaching a blind corner. Then you can safely execute the overtaking process. This can also work if you are going over a hill and cannot see over 100 yards away.
6. Roundabouts are obvious! French people believe that it's the other car's job to guess which exit they're going to take. This is why you must never indicate on a roundabout. Doing that would totally mess with your culture and traditions as a Frenchie.
7. A part of being French is owning a French vehicle. A French person may not own any vehicle which doesn't come from their respective country. Being French is a lifestyle, they don't make Renaults for you to go out and buy a Saab.
8. Rush your kids to hospital for the mildest little splinter or rash. Yep, France is a nation of hypochondriacs. To be a true Frenchman, you need to participate in filling up your local hospital's ER with tummy aches and migraines.
9. Possibly the most obvious tip I can give you: Grow a mustache, put on a stripy tee-shirt and rub onions all over your face. Don't shower and be arrogant.

Before the end of the day, people won't even know your true nationality. This can come in extremely handy.

Enjoy.