5 Reasons to start a blog

Need some motivation in your life? Well here's 5 reasons to start a blog!

1. Boast. - People LOVE to boast on blogs. They boast about their life style, their possessions, their money, their luck etc... They post entry after entry about things they've bought, money they've made. What always makes me laugh, is that they think people care. They think their blog makes people jealous. But in fact, all it does it makes people realize how much of a douche-bag the blog owner is.

2. Babble on for years. - Because that is really what people want to read; pages and pages of boring, useless and meaningless crap. If you are going to write something, do the world a favor and have a point. If you insist on babbling on, at least make it interesting for the reader.

3. Moan. - Everyone loves a good old moan. A blog is the perfect place to moan at people who honestly couldn't give two drunken dwarfs about your problems. If you are going to moan, make sure you put a warning at the top of the page. This will decrease the reader suicide rate.

4. Use it 2 tlk like u r tlkin on a mob phne. - Make people's eyes glaze over with boredom trying to work out what the hell you're trying say. Mke sure u dnt mke it ezy. dnt giv the rdr a rson 2 stay.

5. Review products. - Preferably products no one has heard about and no one gives two turds about. Obscure Chinese works well:

Hello, today I'm going to review the: Fujujhakamoto MP3 player.

Enjoy your spark of motivation. :)

Xfactor today, mouthing contest tomorrow.

It makes me proud to be British. First of all you get the good weather. Lovely sunshine all year round. Next you have the pollution, the overcrowded aspect and the fact that everyone is going around stabbing each other. Then you have a show like Xfactor which truly demonstrates what Britain is all about. Get fat, "dance around singing all day" like an ADHD kid on crack, then go on Xfactor and spread your arrogant gob diarrhea all over the judges and the audience.

OH. Before you do that, you need to work out a name for your singing group/band.

What I find creative, is to take your name and glue it on the front of your friend's name. It shows how much brain power you have inherited and how much ingenuity you've established since you were a blob of flesh in your mother's womb.

When you've got all that sorted, and you've worked out a song that you haven't worked out because you don't know the words, you are all set to have the cockiness ripped out of you by Simon Cowell.

Walk on stage, mouth off like a little cow, get laughed at by everyone, insult the judges, sing like a donkey with a hot cast iron pole shoved up its rectum, and then as a nice finishing touch, punch your childhood friend in the face.

Well, it made me laugh anyway!!

Artists have had enough

For some strange reason, artists seem to be rather upset that people are downloading their music for free. Hence the reason that more and more free and legal music services are popping up all over the place, like a hemorrhoid infestation.

Spotify is a well known one. But they shove annoying, repetitive adverts in between every other song making it impossible to listen to your music library without going insane.

Deezer is also pretty good. Their site is massively bloated, it takes about 5 minutes to load, and then it lags like hell. Most people set out to listen to Lady Gaga, but end up creating a 20 CM hole in their monitor out of pure frustration.

Jiwa started off good, until it was made apparent that their license only covered France. Anyone outside of France, was greeted with a friendly "get lost" page.

And they wonder why people still download? Ah well.

Metal head? Rock fan?

Are you a metal head? Are you a fan of a good Rock song? Well thumbs up to the people who have turned these otherwise crappy songs, into audible, adequate, songs!

Had enough of people with very little talent getting paid billions by corporate hypes to sit in front of a microphone and sprout crap? Well support these artists!

Bad Romance, also known as bad song. Check out this rocky/metal cover. This version is done by the emo group: 30 seconds to mars

Poke Her Face? I wish someone would. Check out this metal cover! Check out this rock cover! (not brilliant quality)

Support the artists who make better versions than the originals!

Apple products are good, because they are Apple products.

Why do people like Apple products? Well, the answer is in the question. People like them so much because they are Apple products. Somewhere, at some point, someone decided that the definition of "good" was "Apple product." It seems to have stuck. What's the result?

A bunch of no-brainer numb-nutted prats piling into their local Apple shops demanding iPhones. - - - Why?

- Because they are iPhones!

- What makes them so special?

- ..... ...... Them being iPhones!

It seems like people are completely oblivious to the fact that there are thousands of other phones which do exactly the same - if not a better - job than the iPhone, but don't get any of the credit because they haven't got the "must have" frame of mind hindrance hanging onto them like a turd refusing to drop into the toilet bowl.

Then, the iPad makes it's grand entrance in the world of must-have. For the 2 people who don't know what the iPad is, it's literally an over-sized iPod Touch costing 800 EUR. Now everyone must have one of them!

- Result: Millions of people buying pointless over-sized iPod Touches, with a laughable battery life and limitations you wouldn't have on a laptop costing the same amount.

And the i* reign continues.

Join Facebook.

10 Reasons to join Facebook if you are one of the 20 people who don't have it.

- Keep in touch with friends who aren't really friends but need to be called friends because they're in your "friend list"

- Keep and eye on your not friends' status' to make sure you don't miss out on any valuable and essential information, like: "OWNED. I GOT 12 - 9 KILL RATIO ON COD4."

- Become obsessed with it and enjoy a physical and mental magnetic-like attraction to your Facebook page, not wanting to miss out on anything your not-so-friends are doing.

- Join mindless, time consuming, pathetic, pointless spazzy games like FarmVille which give you no revenue to justify the wasting of your life.

- Get unwanted and undeserved gossip from your not-so-friends which you can grin over all evening and reply with witty and unwanted comments.

- Enjoy painful conversations with 5 year old brats who think they know better than everyone else and believe they have the god given right to post/say/comment in whatever manor they choose.

- Post all of your details enabling all sorts of ominous characters to know exactly where you live, what you do and when you do it.

Prepare to waste your life. It's sure as hell worth it, because it's Facebook! Everyone has it, so why shouldn't you?

How to be French

Obtaining French'ness is something that you should never want to accomplish. It's something that you should never need, or have any desire to undertake. That said, it could be a bit of fun to try. Follow this step by step tutorial and try it out for yourself.

1. Fill in gaps of speech, with "euuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh." You must never be saying nothing! In between blocks of speech, always say euuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. this shows that you are speaking and also stops other people from barging into the conversation with an unwanted and totally unjustified comment.
2. Make sure - at all times - that your car's front bumper is within 1 meter of the car infront's rear. This will ensure that you won't loose any time and that you get the most out of your trip. By putting yourself, and the people in front in mortal danger, you will certainly gain a few seconds.
3. Enforce 3 hours for lunch. No matter whether you are at work, or an important meeting, you must stop whatever you're doing, to endure 3 hours of lunch break. Normally from 12 until 3. During this period, you must eat French baguette, and drink multiple glasses of wine to help you through the remainder of the day.
4. The customers are always wrong!! This is something to bear in mind during your time as a French person. If you work in a commercial environment, you must be as unhelpful and grumpy towards the customer as possible. It's probably best to forget about them as paying customers, think of them as annoying hindrances.
5. Overtaking - Overtaking is something that French people HAVE to do. It would be total blasphemy if they were tailing a British registered car without the means of overtaking. To ensure that you overtake properly, make sure that you're approaching a blind corner. Then you can safely execute the overtaking process. This can also work if you are going over a hill and cannot see over 100 yards away.
6. Roundabouts are obvious! French people believe that it's the other car's job to guess which exit they're going to take. This is why you must never indicate on a roundabout. Doing that would totally mess with your culture and traditions as a Frenchie.
7. A part of being French is owning a French vehicle. A French person may not own any vehicle which doesn't come from their respective country. Being French is a lifestyle, they don't make Renaults for you to go out and buy a Saab.
8. Rush your kids to hospital for the mildest little splinter or rash. Yep, France is a nation of hypochondriacs. To be a true Frenchman, you need to participate in filling up your local hospital's ER with tummy aches and migraines.
9. Possibly the most obvious tip I can give you: Grow a mustache, put on a stripy tee-shirt and rub onions all over your face. Don't shower and be arrogant.

Before the end of the day, people won't even know your true nationality. This can come in extremely handy.

Enjoy.