How to be French

Obtaining French'ness is something that you should never want to accomplish. It's something that you should never need, or have any desire to undertake. That said, it could be a bit of fun to try. Follow this step by step tutorial and try it out for yourself.

1. Fill in gaps of speech, with "euuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh." You must never be saying nothing! In between blocks of speech, always say euuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh. this shows that you are speaking and also stops other people from barging into the conversation with an unwanted and totally unjustified comment.
2. Make sure - at all times - that your car's front bumper is within 1 meter of the car infront's rear. This will ensure that you won't loose any time and that you get the most out of your trip. By putting yourself, and the people in front in mortal danger, you will certainly gain a few seconds.
3. Enforce 3 hours for lunch. No matter whether you are at work, or an important meeting, you must stop whatever you're doing, to endure 3 hours of lunch break. Normally from 12 until 3. During this period, you must eat French baguette, and drink multiple glasses of wine to help you through the remainder of the day.
4. The customers are always wrong!! This is something to bear in mind during your time as a French person. If you work in a commercial environment, you must be as unhelpful and grumpy towards the customer as possible. It's probably best to forget about them as paying customers, think of them as annoying hindrances.
5. Overtaking - Overtaking is something that French people HAVE to do. It would be total blasphemy if they were tailing a British registered car without the means of overtaking. To ensure that you overtake properly, make sure that you're approaching a blind corner. Then you can safely execute the overtaking process. This can also work if you are going over a hill and cannot see over 100 yards away.
6. Roundabouts are obvious! French people believe that it's the other car's job to guess which exit they're going to take. This is why you must never indicate on a roundabout. Doing that would totally mess with your culture and traditions as a Frenchie.
7. A part of being French is owning a French vehicle. A French person may not own any vehicle which doesn't come from their respective country. Being French is a lifestyle, they don't make Renaults for you to go out and buy a Saab.
8. Rush your kids to hospital for the mildest little splinter or rash. Yep, France is a nation of hypochondriacs. To be a true Frenchman, you need to participate in filling up your local hospital's ER with tummy aches and migraines.
9. Possibly the most obvious tip I can give you: Grow a mustache, put on a stripy tee-shirt and rub onions all over your face. Don't shower and be arrogant.

Before the end of the day, people won't even know your true nationality. This can come in extremely handy.

Enjoy.