Xfactor today, mouthing contest tomorrow.

It makes me proud to be British. First of all you get the good weather. Lovely sunshine all year round. Next you have the pollution, the overcrowded aspect and the fact that everyone is going around stabbing each other. Then you have a show like Xfactor which truly demonstrates what Britain is all about. Get fat, "dance around singing all day" like an ADHD kid on crack, then go on Xfactor and spread your arrogant gob diarrhea all over the judges and the audience.

OH. Before you do that, you need to work out a name for your singing group/band.

What I find creative, is to take your name and glue it on the front of your friend's name. It shows how much brain power you have inherited and how much ingenuity you've established since you were a blob of flesh in your mother's womb.

When you've got all that sorted, and you've worked out a song that you haven't worked out because you don't know the words, you are all set to have the cockiness ripped out of you by Simon Cowell.

Walk on stage, mouth off like a little cow, get laughed at by everyone, insult the judges, sing like a donkey with a hot cast iron pole shoved up its rectum, and then as a nice finishing touch, punch your childhood friend in the face.

Well, it made me laugh anyway!!