Call Of Duty - Behaviour Handbook

Ever wanted to be a true COD player? Well, here's a step by step guide on how to become a stereotypical Call Of Duty player.

I) Learn your 'noobs.' Possibly one of the most important parts of being a Call Of Duty player, is to know all of your noobs off by heart. Make sure you pick people up on them all the time. Here's a list:

P90 Noob
Grenade Launcher Noob
Rocket Noob
Camper Noob
Marty Noob
Last Stand Noob

Here's a method to remember them. Ask yourself:

Is it a general game feature?

If the answer to that question is

Yes

Then feel free to insult the player for it.

(Eg: The P90 is a powerful gun, however it isn't a hack, it's a game feature, this gives you the right to bitch at people for using it)

II) If someone kills you, it's un-acceptable. For this reason, you are free to insult them. Use proper vocabulary such as "noob" and "u suk". It is also advisable to mention one's mother to up the insult and turn it into a full on flame war. Remember, it's Call Of Duty, which is a war game. The opponent has absolutely no right to kill you.

If your opponent is better than you, a higher level or has killed you more times, it is advisable to attack them verbally to create a rise amongst players.

III) If you are on the receiving end of flame, try replying with the simple phrase "cry moar." This will get the attacker so wound up, he will most probably relieve himself in his underwear, but carry on playing none the less.

Here's your target age:

Enjoy yourself on Call Of Duty. Don't get too worked up though, it's only a game :)

How to make a YouTube comment

Making a YouTube comment takes a surprising amount of skill. A lot of people think they can just go ahead and write whatever comes to mind first, but in fact you cannot.

It's not all bad though, because I've dedicated this post to help people be able to make a fully qualified YouTube comment.

Step 1: Find a target. By this, I don't mean "find a video," I mean "find the person you want to pick on." Normally, this is someone who has already submitted a reply to the same video.

How do I pick? - Well, this is fairly easy when you get the hang of it. Look at all of the comment and pick which random unsuspecting YouTube user you want to hurl an explosion of foul abuse towards.

Once you have picked, you can go to step 3.

Step 3: Find a reason to abuse. The reason can be anything, but here are a few suggestions:

Race, Nationality, Gender, Name. If all else fails, you could do what most pro YouTube flamers do, and just go with the whole "you cnt spell, ur grammor sux" approach. This involves emotionally 'bringing down' your target for having bad spelling or grammar. This is normally due to them being non native English speakers. It's always a good laugh to take the mickey out of foreigners, even though chances are: you can't speak their language. :)

This is the most important step. The topic will be the centre of your soul crushing experience, the stronger the topic, the more you can intentionally emotionally scar them.

Step 4: Start firing un-needed and abusive comments towards your target without a thought to people's feelings or the effect it could have on 3rd party viewers witnessing the petty squabble. Get right in and destroy your opponent with hurtful comments about their race or nationality.

That. Is there the fun really kicks in.

Enjoy spreading hatred amongst your fellow human beings :)

Double posting. Its a massive deal

There are millions of active forums on the internet. Most of which contain members who have a sheer hatred of "Double Posters." Just to explain briefly what double posters are.

When you create a new topic on a forum, whether it's to cast an opinion, post a tutorial or moan about something, other people have the option of replying in that same thread. A double post, is if someone replies twice in quick succession. Or, if someone posts twice without waiting for someone to post one in the middle.

The double poster is in red

Bob: Hello, this is the thread. Do you all agree?
Harry: Oh yes, I agree.
Larry: Me too
Larry: I totally agree

Yes, Larry just double posted. So what happens next?

Well, the punishment for double posting will vary from forum to forum. The punishment ranges from nothing to being banned, YES, being banned for posting two posts.

Ok, maybe over time, it might become apparent why some people might find this annoying, but it isn't - however, the crime of the century, and shouldn't become a massive deal.

Some extremely intelligent 2 year olds have come up with death as a solution.

But then again, the maturity in that picture never fails to amuse me.

So if you do get banned for double posting. Chances are you were victim of an extremely bored moderator, or a power hungry Admin who has to shift his weight a bit to show his "not scared of you" members. 

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if it means clicking the "post" button twice within 10 minutes. It isn't the biggest deal, but people do like to make it one.

Bottom line: grow up?

Windows Live Messenger: 2011

Well! We're finally back. Yeah, it's been a while since the last post (21st century PC yap!)

I felt the need to post about the new Windows Live Messenger.

The new version of the popular WLM client is out. Yeah, it's beautiful. It has a whole new look, it has multiple new features, and it's just over all: BRILLIANT.

Let me run you through a few of the new features.

1. You can no longer change your display name. This - if you ask me, is the best feature of them all! Completely remove the user's ability to change their display name! +1
I believe that Microsoft are in a rather... Exploratory phase. I think that the head of the WLM department wanted to find out what life would be like if everyone usied their first and last names as a display name. How exciting! :) To make a long story short, "[XGamerz] MarK - Playing: Call Of Duty 4" has been transformed into: "Mark Smith"

2. Take all the bloated crap that came as aditions in the last version, and throw them all into the client itself. This seems like a better solution to me. All of the unwanted stuff that the user doesn't want to see, has now been shoved infront of your face whether you like it or not. Take a look: (click the picture to see in full size)

It was a great idea doing this in my view!

3. Layout! This is superb! The layout is frankly beautiful. They've gone for the more "bloated" approach, and I really admire them for that. If it's good enough, people will wait, right? Well, now they will be waiting a good twenty minutes for the thing to load. +1 Microsoft.


Don't settle for this rubbish.

Use Windows Live Messenger 2009 or try something non-microsoft:

Pidgin
aMSN
eMeSeNe

21st century PC yap!

As life moves on, people become more and more intelligent. Intellect becomes much more vast and people become aware when they are doing something stupid or immature.

To re-assure myself, I considered an argument I'd overheard somewhere on the net.
This argument consisted of five people, all repeatedly calling each other "nabs." It carried on for a good healthy five minutes, before turning into. "noooooob." "YOU ARE JUST A STUPID NOOB LOL"

Now: For all people who don't know this. The word "noob" originated from "newbie."
Newbie is a word to describe someone who is new at a game/trade/job. However this word has now evolved into a global insult for anyone to use against anyone on the internet.

Noob is normally followed by "lol." Lol's direct definition is "laugh out loud." This means that the person who says it, is directly insinuating that they feel the need to express their laughter by broadcasting it to anyone nearby. Other laughing words consist of:

ROFL - Rolling on floor laughing | I highly expect that neither the sender not the recipient is actually acting out the abbreviation's definition.

LMAO - Laugh my ass off. | This one insinuates that the sender's anus has been brutally dislodged by the sheer hilarity of the situation. Again, hardly likely.

PMSL - Pissing my-self laughing | This one is generally putting forward the scenario of the sender loosening his/her bladder, thus allowing the liquid within to flow into his/her's underwear.

ROFLMAO - Roll on floor laughing my ass off | Generally submitting the idea of the sender rolling on the floor in stiches, whilst violently having his/her anal region removed by the laughter surrounding the situation as a whole.

The 21st century is such a delight.

5 Reasons to start a blog

Need some motivation in your life? Well here's 5 reasons to start a blog!

1. Boast. - People LOVE to boast on blogs. They boast about their life style, their possessions, their money, their luck etc... They post entry after entry about things they've bought, money they've made. What always makes me laugh, is that they think people care. They think their blog makes people jealous. But in fact, all it does it makes people realize how much of a douche-bag the blog owner is.

2. Babble on for years. - Because that is really what people want to read; pages and pages of boring, useless and meaningless crap. If you are going to write something, do the world a favor and have a point. If you insist on babbling on, at least make it interesting for the reader.

3. Moan. - Everyone loves a good old moan. A blog is the perfect place to moan at people who honestly couldn't give two drunken dwarfs about your problems. If you are going to moan, make sure you put a warning at the top of the page. This will decrease the reader suicide rate.

4. Use it 2 tlk like u r tlkin on a mob phne. - Make people's eyes glaze over with boredom trying to work out what the hell you're trying say. Mke sure u dnt mke it ezy. dnt giv the rdr a rson 2 stay.

5. Review products. - Preferably products no one has heard about and no one gives two turds about. Obscure Chinese works well:

Hello, today I'm going to review the: Fujujhakamoto MP3 player.

Enjoy your spark of motivation. :)

Xfactor today, mouthing contest tomorrow.

It makes me proud to be British. First of all you get the good weather. Lovely sunshine all year round. Next you have the pollution, the overcrowded aspect and the fact that everyone is going around stabbing each other. Then you have a show like Xfactor which truly demonstrates what Britain is all about. Get fat, "dance around singing all day" like an ADHD kid on crack, then go on Xfactor and spread your arrogant gob diarrhea all over the judges and the audience.

OH. Before you do that, you need to work out a name for your singing group/band.

What I find creative, is to take your name and glue it on the front of your friend's name. It shows how much brain power you have inherited and how much ingenuity you've established since you were a blob of flesh in your mother's womb.

When you've got all that sorted, and you've worked out a song that you haven't worked out because you don't know the words, you are all set to have the cockiness ripped out of you by Simon Cowell.

Walk on stage, mouth off like a little cow, get laughed at by everyone, insult the judges, sing like a donkey with a hot cast iron pole shoved up its rectum, and then as a nice finishing touch, punch your childhood friend in the face.

Well, it made me laugh anyway!!